God Shaped Hole

This is one of those posts that I really didn't want to write. I fought myself over it, thought about it for the past few hours and decided against it. Then I started pulling pictures for something else and this was still nagging me. Why do I have to pour out my heart through writing? Why can't I just eat loads of chocolate and be satisfied? I'll never know... so fair warning if  you proceed with reading this, it is all laid bare... without chocolate.

There's a song that came out a few years ago that says "there's a God shaped hole in all of us."  This song prompted sermons, lessons, devotionals, books, etc. about how we all have a God shaped hole in us. I disagree.

The truth, to me, is that we are all born whole and in our entirety. No holes exist in our soul or our body. We are made complete yet with the truth hidden in our hearts. 2 Timothy 3:15 is one of my favorite scriptures in the bible and it states, "How from infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Jesus Christ."  That is a powerful verse that says God's word has been in your heart since birth.

So if His word is there, is He there? Is there a God shaped hole in us just waiting to be filled?

We were each born with a mighty free will. We many times each and every day choose things to be in our life, whether it may be anger, gluttony, grief, joy, jealousy, or love. Before we know and choose Christ, things of the world fill our lives and overrun it. If there was a God shaped hole in me than it would be filled with worldly desires, negative thoughts, scenes from horrible movies, and greed. So where is the room for God in that?

Our bodies and souls are complete as we are each day. If you want God in your life than you have to make room for Him. There is no hole just waiting to be filled. Christ talks about the sacrifices that it will take to follow Him when He talks about taking up your cross to follow Him. If there was just a gaping hole waiting to pour Him into than there would be no cross to bear.

To be filled with Him, you have to dig out a hole for Him. It requires pain and hardness, giving up things that you desire or have chosen in the past.

Why am I telling you this now? Because some of us choose everyday to dig out a space the size of a pin head using a toothpick and try to jam pack God into that space, leaving the other areas of your life untouched. That's where I am right now and that's hard to admit. I know that this is not because of God's desire or because something He did. The fact that I am not practically renting out a backhoe to dig a hole the size of China in my soul is my choice and something I did. I'm the one that has slowly filled in the hole that I once dug with bricks of immorality and worldliness. It's my fault and because of free will, it was my decision alone.

Is it impacting me? Yes. Lately I've noticed that I'm more negative, easily stressed, loosing my temper more with my children, being a weaker role model to them.

God is still waiting for me. He still loves me and calls me His child but I need to make the decision to follow Him more and more each day, leaving the world behind me. I have to be the one to start digging a larger hole in my life again and filling it with good things, Christ like things. He'll help me every step of the way and always has but in truth, I have to be the one to do the digging, to make the God shaped hole in my life. We all have the freedom to choose our relationship with God, even if that means no relationship at all. However I'm choose to do some digging. All I want for Christmas is a shovel.. or a backhoe...

Choices

I had a rough morning.

1. The older girls made their own breakfasts while I was getting dressed. Cereal could be seen on the floor as far as Canada and all the yogurt is gone.
2. One of the princesses threw such a huge fit while getting in the car that she was sent to time out, in the driveway. Yes, I put her in time out by the garage door. My neighbors must think I've finally lost it.
3. Another princess, whom shall remain nameless, chose not to wear underwear again and I did not discover this until we had arrived at the YMCA. I cannot even count how many times I had already asked her if she was wearing underwear, to which she replied, "yes." So we had to get in the van and come back home to get underwear, hitting road construction and a wrong way driver on the way home.

I finally made it back to the YMCA and started listening to worship music on my Ipod, which helped my mood a lot but it was still a little stinky. The good news is that I had remembered to wear deodorant this morning, so my attitude was the only stinky thing around.

Not long after I started walking on the treadmill, one of the lovely women who work in the childcare there came to get me because Princess Newbie had a small diaper explosion. The woman next told me, "at least you got some of your workout done, some is better than none."  To which I replied, "I'm just glad I got a break from my kids." Then I stepped back for a moment and thought, did I really just say that? Yes, the break I receive when I work out is nice but is that my reason for doing it? No.

Why do I stay home with my kids if that's how I'm going to view my days with them? I know I should be lighter on myself because I was having a rough day but my attitude was horrible and not what I wanted my kids to learn. I'm here to enjoy them and teach them myself, so that others won't be doing my job of mothering them. It's a choice that I made and I need to remind myself sometimes more than others. But, it's my choice and it's one that I need to enjoy. Every single day will end and never come again. Twenty years from now I will be laughing about the princess who went commando daily and be proud of the way that the spunky princess has turned her temper into something good but today is just today and I need to hold onto it for now.