Step Away from the Dryer

I have a story to tell. It's one that you'll probably never hear again because stuff like this only happens to me. This is a proven fact. I would also like to put a disclaimer on this post tonight about anything that I might possibly say or do. I am loopy.. under the influence of pain medicine that the Dr. promised would not make me loopy or tired. That is a lie.

We have an old dryer that is rigged to perfection. Every year we just rig it again in some new way to keep the baby working. Occasionally it stops drying for a day and I have to lay hands on it but it always starts again. The thing about this dryer is that it doesn't stop turning when you open the door at all.  It just keeps turning. So you would think that some people would know better than to stick their arm in the dryer while it was still turning, right?

However some of us were raised in East Texas and have a yankee father (sorry dad) and a Georgia peach mother (sorry mom) and when you mix all those factors together you basically get the big bang theory in reverse. Therefore it was me that reached my hand in the dryer while it was still running. My hand got caught one of those shark fin looking things on the side and went for a little carousel ride around the entire drum at high speeds. It hurt pretty bad but nothing to make me think that it would give me two full weeks of misery.

This is the part that no one except Damion knows so sorry family to let you know this way but I didn't want to freak you out.  Two days after this whole "dummy put her hand in the running dryer" escapade... I started getting bad chest pains. Really bad. My whole entire chest was on fire and I was out of breath, all the time. Walking up the stairs about crippled me. So I got to visit the cardiologist who said that I was way to young to be there. I agreed. I am only 25 you know.. and will be for the next 30 years. I was the belle of the waiting room ball. I was the youngest and hottest thing in there and we all know that it's the only time that will ever happen.. or has happened to me period.

I did a stress test, echo cardiogram and had to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours that left me stinky (no showering) and with a big red whelps from a reaction to the tape that was used. Fun stuff. It's what keeps my husband coming back for more. I didn't tell my family. I canceled a trip to Dallas I was supposed to take and told them I thought I was having some bad indigestion. Really I was googling heart failure and pretty scared. But the overall pain started to subside and just leave areas that hurt. I also got my energy back and figured out that if something was wrong with my heart and as much pain as I was in, I would be much worse off than what I am. Plus I haven't heard back from the cardiologist and it's been a long time. I think if I were dying, he might have had the courtesy to call and tell me. I hope so at least or he's not invited to the funeral. (I'm not dying!)

So today I headed back to the Dr. because it's become obvious that nothing is wrong with my heart but I'm still in pain and now my right arm and shoulder have joined in the pain party. I had mentioned to my Dr. that I had a dryer "incident" the first time I saw her but I didn't explain it in detail and they were more worried about the chest pain than figuring out what the dummy did with her dryer. So today I had to explain it in detail to the nurse... who laughed so hard that she also choked. The good news is that I didn't have to tell the Dr. because the nurse did that for me and confessed that they had shared a good laugh at my expense.

So after a complete examination of my arm and a quick call to the cardiologist by my Dr., it was confirmed that I just had a major case of stupidity.... oh that and some muscular skeletal trauma.. something like that. Who knows? I'm loopy.. remember? Basically I hurt my body (duh) and it hurts bad tonight but the nice little white pill is helping. I can't take them while my kids are awake though because everyone might somehow start sporting a mullet.. or a Mohawk. Not sure.

I do not normally take medicine.  One benedryl will knock me out harder and faster than my narcoleptic wanna be of a husband. So these pills are really making me like a sleepy circus performer but not the bearded lady. Don't worry about that.

So if you are family or just really love me.. don't worry. I'm fine. I should be up and going full speed again soon. My trip to Dallas has been rescheduled for a week from now and the girls are too excited about the turtle still to notice that I'm slower than normal. How much slower can a person get though? I'm not exactly speed racer on my good days.

Loopiness is going into overdrive so I will end with the simple quote... "Step away from the dryer"....